Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies–
Aristotle

This past March, our daughter Sister decided to join the swim team at her middle school. In the past we had tried soccer and well honestly, it just wasn’t her sport. She is very intelligent and very much like mom and has NO athletic ability. Until Now. She has always loved to swim and fashions herself as a water born mammal instead of land born. Ever since she was three, she has wanted to work with whales. Her focus has never changed. She wants to be a Marine Biologist. So, swimming was a logical choice for her.

The team practices everyday after school for 45 minutes. Sometimes I go and watch them practice and watch my daughter growing and maturing and becoming a team player. It fills me with pride. They have swim meets about twice a week. Her first meet she did the butterfly which they say is the hardest stroke, with six other swimmers. I had mentioned to a friend that I was hoping for second to last so she wouldn’t be last. She came in second. I totally underestimated her ability. She has consistently pulled first or second in the 25m backstroke since. Everytime she swims, my eyes fill with tears.

Sister, on her way to 2nd place in the 25m butterfly.

I was asked this past week by the high school coach if she wanted to join his after school team, she would join next week after the season is over. They swim all year and he would make concessions for her being gone most of the summer and allow her to come practice when she is home and then pick it up in the fall. This would put her in an awesome position for the 8th grade season.

There is a joy that comes from watching your child succeed at something. Sister is very intelligent, an honor student in fact. But, the joy of an accomplishment that comes from trying something new and succeeding is different to me. The joy of watching her grow and mature and come into her own is definitely a mother’s pride.

Keeping people neurotic and depressed and ignorant and self-doubting is oppressive.
–Susie Bright

Do you want to be right or happy? I remember hearing this on a Dr. Phil show one day. He was talking to a married couple who were having issues with control. One spouse thought their way was the only way and not too willing to bend to the compromise, being right was more important to that spouse than being happy. the Hub and I don’t really have those kind of issues, but we are not issue-less.

Lately I have been having some consistent medical problems which have stumped the doctors. I have been to five so far. I changed primary care doctors because I felt like I was always telling my old one that I was not a hypocondriac and that what was happening was happening. He was of the thought that my basic blood test are fine so I am fine. In his opinion either I had a virus - every time I went in - or I was a lonely housewife looking for attention. I am neither.

I stumbled into an all-time low a few weeks ago, when after a lengthy office visit with my new PCP, he indicated that it could be depression. I explained that I have had depression, but that I didn’t feel depressed I felt sick. He went on to say, well if we do every test and they all come back negative, would you consider depression and go in medication. I said NO. - Thinking, but I will find a new PCP. The only reason I am still there is because one of his referrals is to an ENT who is the best in this area - well sought after and very knowledgeable about inner ear and balance issues. I suffer and have since a child with motion sickness. I am excited to have that issue investigated. I go for a range of motion tests next month. Assured that they will make me sick. Who cares. To think that it could be corrected is worth another day of nausea!

Anyway. Last week I went and sought out a counselor. I didn’t want to take the chance that I was indeed depressed and denying it. I have been depressed before. I feel as though I have worked through those issues and am stronger now than ever. But, since everyone around me seems to think it is depression I wanted to be sure, either way. She said that I don’t think I am depressed. Not that I don’t have some issues that need to be dealt with - primarily relationship issues, ie. marriage and friendships, but that depression is not one of them. It seems that I put so much emphasis on the value of them as they pertain to my life. Like I expect to much and then become disillusioned when my expectations are not met. I expect honesty - give and take. I do not do well with dishonesty or tactfullness. I hold my relationships to a very high standard. Too, high it seems for those who are in relationship with me. I expect to be treated fairly - honestly - and with value.

But, last week I learned that I should not weigh my value against my relationships? For example. My spouse can think that I am wrong in any situation with any one else. ie., If I have a relationship issue, it must be my fault. But, that is okay. I should not be seeking out my value by what he thinks? Further, I should not bring those issues to him, as he is not willing to support me, (for whatever reason - or issue of his own.)

I think this is fundementally wrong in a marriage relationship? If I cannot gather support from my spouse, then who? Is he not supposed to be my best friend? My confidant? My support system? My shelter when I am down? I know these things are to be of God, I do. But, is it not also why we get married? To have someone in our corner? Apparently not!? I was told that people have happy marriages and their spouse never supports them in their emotional issues? They are just not equipped?

My job is to work around this? Trust my worth. Trust my inner-voice that says you are okay. Not to get defensive when criticized. Not to argue the right or wrong of it. Stop the cycle before it starts. In the most basic of thoughts, mine are black and white. Right or wrong. Cut and dry. Further, I will defend myself to the right/wrong of it, even if that is not the issue at all. I now must learn to look past this to the grey. I hate grey!

But, I love the Hub and the Hub is Grey. So I must learn Grey.

I have another ounseling in 20 minutes.

We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until… we have stopped saying “It got lost,” and say “I lost it.”
Sydney J. Harris

I couldn’t stay away.