A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp. 
 Raymond Duncan

School has been out for officially 34 days.  We still have 53 days left of summer vacation.  I have been enjoying it for the most part, but lord are the days LONG.  Sister has been with her dad this past week so this week has been easy and today it gets even easier.  Today Brother starts sports camp.  He will go the remainder of this week, then for ALL. OF. JULY - ALL. DAY. EVERY. DAY.

I’m not smiling. No. really, that’s not a smile.  Okay it is a smile, but only because I lasted got to be with him for 34 days. hee. 

The decision for camp came because the Hub wanted him to go to “some type of camp, or some organized activity” that lasts during the day - all glorious day.  He said he needs to be around other children, playing?  I’m trying not to take offense, or to read any implied meaning into his words, because I thought we were playing?  I thought I was doing a pretty good job of staying sane  entertaining them.  Anyhow, we signed him up yesterday, they had an opening and just like that he is going today.  He is excited and nervous, wondering if the kids will like him. I’m sure they will, I say. You’re all boy and all energy, why wouldn’t they like you?

This morning while he was getting dressed, he tells his dog — Natasha, Natasha, I’m going to be gone for most of the day. Okay.  Then I just heard him tell her that he is going to sports camp to play football.  I think he will miss her.

We will miss him. 

God has two dwellings: one in heaven, and the other in a meek and thankful heart.
Izaak Walton
 

I thank you for your emails and comments about my last post.  The sadness in my heart when something like this happens, really is just about enough to take me down.  I must tell you though, that I am not actively in depression.  I just know that I can and do (on occasion) have a tendency to slip if I am not proactive about it.  I am very proactive about it, as I have no intentions of returning to the state to which I have been previously.

But Sadly, I suffer like many women, nasty hormonal changes during the course of the month.  Over the years, I have been very conscience of this and take steps to deal with it open and honestly - taking the extra time to make sure I am pro-active and not reactive. It works and except for the extra needed alone time, we get through each month with minimal disruption. But, when someone takes their own life - due to depression -it really does give me pause because I know that it could just as well have been me. It really does make you want to fall face down on the floor and thank God for his grace and mercy and it also make you want to reflect and hold on tighter, just in case.

I am not shy about where I have been, the struggles that I have been through and I am not shy in saying that it is only because of God that I am here and that I am now able to share in Women’s Bible studies, my own struggles and God’s Amazing Grace, and the given desire to touch other Women who may be struggling with the same type of issues.

Yesterday, Sunday, I was at the altar praying.  My heart has been heavy since I found out about Karen and I have been slipping backwards, reflective and just letting the negative take over.  Anyway, I was at the altar praying and giving it over to God.  The tears flowed freely and I felt the cleansing that I was seeking. I know where I’ve been and I have seen where the Lord is taking me, and I can tell you I will take the climb, no matter how hard, anyday.  Our Lord Is Awesome.  I also prayed for a word to comfort me through this episode.  This morning this word came to me and it just makes me want to jump and dance and praise the Lord for his faithfulness.

MEEK ~

“The meek man, is not a human mouse afflicted with a sense of his own inferiority. Rather, he may be in his moral life as bold as a lion and as strong as Samson; but he has stopped being fooled about himself. He knows he is as weak and helpless as God has declared him to be, but paradoxically, he knows at the same time that he is, in the sight of God, more important than angels.

In himself, nothing; in God, everything. That is his motto. He knows well that the world will never see him as God sees him and he has stopped caring. He rests perfectly content to allow God to place His own values. He will be patient to wait for the day when everything will get its own price tag and real worth will come into its own. Then the righteous shall shine forth in the kingdom of their Father. He is willing to wait for that day.

In the meantime, he will have attained a place of soul rest. As he walks on in meekness he will be happy to let God defend him. The old struggle to defend himself is over. He has found the peace which meekness brings.

Then also he will get deliverance from the burden of pretense. By this I mean not hypocrisy, but the common human desire to put the best foot forward and hide from the world our real inward poverty. For sin has played many evil tricks upon us, and one has been the infusing into us of a false sense of shame.”

AW Tozer, The Pursuit of God.
 

You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be.
Chuck Palahniuk

I use to know a lady at church who was having some issues. I don’t know the extent of her issues except that she had depression, but I had heard things and I knew she was in pain. I didn’t know her very well, but we had chatted a few times over the years and last year we were in the same Bible study and sat next to each other.  I was her prayer partner.  After that class, she joined my Bible study and I know she started it, but I don’t really remember her finishing the class. I am so sad that I don’t remember her finishing my class.

I found out at class last week that she took her own life this past Saturday.  Sadness doesn’t begin to describe how I am feeling about this. Moments of guilt, she was in my class and then she wasn’t, why didn’t I……?  I know she had a recent (four or five year) history of trying, in and out of treatment, and I guess one never knows if one is past danger or not….until…..not.

I remember a few years ago when this happened to another friend, how I felt, and now I am feeling the same way again. This just cuts so close to home. That feeling. The feeling of those who live in such a quiet pain, the pain of depression, a pain that makes life feel like its not worth living, and sadly, it comes to a point where it would be better to quit than to continue trying to work past the pain, the depression. 

Then I think how close I have been to that pain - inside - quietly - suffering.  It is not an everyday thing anymore, but there are moments, sometimes there are those dark, painful moments when…. And then I see my children, my husband, my life and how blessed I am and the pain doesn’t seem so harsh, but in reality, I know it is there inside me somewhere. I have been through so much in my life and I am at a place where I can see God’s handprints, His Grace, working daily.  I am grateful and humbled and holding on tightly to His Word and His promises through those moments.

Karen, leaves behind a nine year old son Who was most probably home the morning  they found her body in the car. How sad for him.  Her funeral is today.  I don’t know if I can go.  I hold on tightly and God is there and I wonder where God was in Karen’s case? I know she was trying to hold on, but this depression, this longing for the pain to stop, it is a force, it is hard to fight.  Surely, he didn’t give up on her? Did she not trust enough?  Did she not have enough faith? She had faith in her father, but she suffered from depression. Could she just not hold on any longer?  I don’t know….I just don’t know? I do know its hard to hold on and fight depression at the same time. 

Edited to add:

I did go to Karen’s funeral today. My heart is sad for her and her family. She was smart, funny, a loving wife, an adoring Mother, a great friend, socially conscientious, servant oriented…..and she had depression - a deadly case of depression.